Finding A New Lily Pad

Nerdling and I are in the market for a new lily pad. The one we have just isn’t working. Sometimes literally. The front door knob fell off the one day and I found ice inside today. A couple of months ago we found one that we liked and tried to feel out the sellers. And got a mass of frustration. First they didn’t even bother with the offer, then they accepted it, oops the wife did but not the husband and now we have extra strength Tylenol involved. But it’s still there. Still on the listing site. So we’re giving it a second look. It needs some work but it’s not so bad that we can’t just move in. It has everything that we want. So who knows. Waiting for our real estate agent to give us a call back.

A Week To Go

Well it’s a week till Christmas. It’s the Tadpole’s first.

Other Side Of The Door

For a while now I’ve felt that I’ve been living on the wrong side of the door. The bathroom door, the front door. After a couple of bad experiences with my tummy I let my world shrink. First it was sticking to the same driving routes, then only places I’ve been before, then slowly the amount of places I felt safe diminished. After a period of two years I found myself only able to go a handful of places. My parents’ house, my in-laws, the doctor’s office and the hospital. That was it.

My agoraphobia came on so slowly that I really didn’t notice till I was at the point of what felt like no return. It got worse after that. Not much but it did. I started trying to expand my world again after having a mild panic attack over taking out the garbage. A task that would have taken me out of my apartment for just a few minutes. I could still go to my parent’s on a good day. I’m sure if it was an excellent day I might have been able to make it to the in-laws but then there was that pesky bridge in the way.

It didn’t really work too well at first. After all it is a big scary world out there. Keeping a journal of my progress didn’t help. I would see how little progress I would make and get depressed. Which just made it worse. So I’d give up and next thing I’d know, I hadn’t gone outside in over a week. Mailbox is inside so that didn’t count. I tried a rewards system which didn’t work because I could give myself points for the tiniest little thing. Sat on the front step? Three points! Nerdling even tried bribery at one point. I had a meltdown before I even hit the car. I did make it to the in-laws for Christmas. It took me taking my pill as a preventive measure to work. Even then after a couple of hours I could feel it. The churning stomach, my brain feeling like it was trying to escape my skull, and the feeling of having to just move.

It took Tadpole to finally get my butt in gear. The thought of all those doctor’s appointments with a strange doctor, not knowing where I’d have to go for blood tests or the ultrasound. And the thought of having to go to a hospital that wasn’t my safe one? I was ready to crawl into the closet and not come out till he got here. The first time I had to go, I actually didn’t make it. We had to turn around because I was a sobbing, green faced mess. I’m sure the morning sickness didn’t help, but I knew that it wasn’t good. My second appointment went better. I actually made it. I spent quite a bit of time pacing the exam room but I did it. And each appointment slowly got better.

By the time Tadpole got here I was doing leagues better then when I started. I had almost gotten over my fear of others driving, and I had actually stepped foot in a store. Something I hadn’t done in two years. And I’m still getting better. I can drive by myself( been about 3 years since I’d been able to do that) even if it’s only down the street right now and I’m slowly getting into the shopping thing. I never thought I would be proud of myself for going grocery shopping. But even just a month ago I couldn’t. But this week I did.

I don’t know where I’m going to be next week with this, next month and certainly not next year. But I do know where I want to be eventually. I want to take Tadpole to the park and to the zoo. I want to head out to the store without having to plan it like a military strike. And that’s without the kid. I want to go on an actual date with Nerdling. Last time we had one was when we were first dating and we went bowling. Yep going bowling would be nice too. But the ultimate thing is that I never want to tell Tadpole “I’m sorry. You know Momma can’t go.” because it’s on the other side of the door.